Facebook dilemma: To friend or not to friend?
For August’s question, a desperate plea from a good thirtysomething friend who’s running into a somewhat twentysomething-induced situation:
“I’ve had this problem lately about what to do when someone who wants me to add them to my Facebook contacts and I don’t like them/respect them/want to be associated with them,” she writes. “I ignore their plea, but it could get awkward. I don’t really want to decline outright… Not as big of a deal on Facebook, which I don’t use anyway (okay, I don’t really use any social networking), but what about for LinkedIn, which is more of a professional network site. I don’t want to recommend or be linked to someone who might bring my whole professional reputation down a notch.”
I had to laugh when I received this because I’d been having the same issue recently myself and was starting to worry that I was either 1) an insufferable snob, or 2) not cut out for social networking. So I called on some people I thought might know how to solve our problem — namely, my 22-year-old sister, Lisa, and her recent-grad, extremely Facebook-savvy friends.
Evidently, our reader’s instinct — ignore, ignore, ignore — is right. According to my little Facebook focus group, the rule with most of these social networks is that a pending friend-request, even a prolonged one, can mean any number of things. True, it may mean that the other person just doesn’t like you and would rather chew gravel than be your “friend.” But it could also mean that he or she simply isn’t much of a social networker. Whereas, an outright denial leaves no such room for interpretation.
And while it might be awkward to run into someone who’s still “pending” on your friend list — Lisa, my own sister, actually called not long ago to ask why I hadn’t confirmed her as my Facebook friend yet — you can always say you just don’t really go in for the whole social networking thing. (In my case, it’s true; I didn’t even know Lisa was — horror of horrors — pending, but thankfully, she forgave me and a grave family crisis was averted.) Most normal people will get the hint, and if one or two pending people don’t and pester you about it, well, then at least you know you made the right call.
Because, as our reader rightly points out, befriending the wrong person — on Facebook, LinkedIn, or MySpace, as in life — can have dire consequences. Not only do you suffer when you open this sort of direct line of personal and semi-friendly communication with a — let’s just say it — wack person, but all your other friends suffer because you’ve made them even more vulnerable to friend requests and communiques from said person. And again, in social networking as in life, you often are who you hang with, virtually or otherwise. The point of these networks is, after all, to keep existing friendships and associations current and bring new ones — between people with shared personal or professional interests — together, not to force you to be friends with people you don’t like, respect, or want to be associated with. (Or for that matter, people who want to steal your identity, like this Sophos release points out.)
That said, I’d be remiss if I didn’t say a small something about those people many of us don’t want to be associated with. Often, I’ve found, it’s the people we don’t want to befriend in real life who — unable to overcome this condition — try to push for a friendship online. These are also usually the same people who, if the Facebook newsfeed is any indication, seem to have more vibrant lives there than most of us do in reality. This doesn’t make them bad people, just in many cases, people who haven’t been as socially successful as they might’ve liked, and have found in these social networks a chance to finally change that.
So help them (offline) if you can, and if you think you might be one of them, try putting some of the energy you spend Facebooking and whatnot into building some good, strong, face-to-face interpersonal relationships. We’re getting older, and while, as my brilliant colleague David Kirkpatrick says here and all the time, Facebook and its ilk can be wonderful tools, they’re just that, tools, not ways of serious adult life. So use them, don’t stress them. And no matter what kind of social networker you are, don’t bet they’ll be replacing old-fashioned people skills any time soon!
Thoughts? Feelings? Rants?
I’m thankful that myspace got rid of the sex offenders - facebook has not. Hopefully, they will. Whether a student or not, on federal aid or not - no ‘twice’ convicted sex offender/child predator belongs on facebook - nor receiving his education compliments of OUR TAXES. They certainly don’t belong anywhere near a computer, especially since so many seek out & contact their victims in just that way….. Instant messengers included.
You’re DEFINITELY not cut out for social networking.
This is why I dropped Facebook. One week after I’ve joined and I’m deluged by friend requests from people I’ve not spoken in years and have no desire to speak to again.
The appearance on my profile of photos tagged as containing me by other people and the disturbing lack of context in the social relationships (your work colleagues see the same information as your drinking buddies) left me feeling overwhelmed and like my privacy had been invaded.
So I just deleted my account and left, never to return.
Thank you for spelling the adjective “wack” correctly. Many seem to be under the delusion that it’s spelled “whack,” and that’s wack.
I always accept all friend requests and let everyone read what I write on my facebook profile. I act like a jerk in real life and I am am even bigger jerk on the internet. If a person gets offended by me online, I challenge that person to a duel in real life. Almost everyone I challenge cowers, blocks me from their sites, and avoids me in real life. The one person who actually showed up for the duel got scared when I showed up with a bag of snakes and a clown outfit on. I never lose in these situations.
yup, that’s true. i had made the mistake of sending an invite to all of my hotmail contacts. very bad idea. it went to professors and registrars at my university, and other people who i didn’t consider to be friends at all (e.g. a person i met via tutoring a course)–none i’d want in my profile.
so when some of them accepted, and i didn’t want to stay friends, i did the remove option. simple! and for those who i had a pending rquest for (they could view my profile), i block them, and then remove the block. (the block cuts any present connections). since my profile is private and cannot be searched, got nothin to worry about =D
You can just make your profile unsearchable, and then you’re the only one who can do the friending.
I couldn’t agree more. It’s incredibly important to monitor your social affiliations, especially on facebook and other key sites. Almost a year later, i’m still dealing with the ramifications of a mistake I made. You’re not just friending them, you’re adding your stamp of approval in the eyes of your peers. Also, if you don’t feel comfortable friending them, it might be worth taking a look at why/how you interact with the individual in the physical world.
On Facebook the privacy settings allow you to set selected friends only to view a limited profile (you one you can set up to be seen by ‘pokes’ or people in the same network who aren’t your friends.)
So, if like me, you might not want every friend reading your blog to which you’ve linked from your profile, you can set them to view a limited profile only.
Facebook’s privacy settings (top right tab) are very detailed and I suspect most people aren’t aware of how much you can tweak them. I have found the ‘block person’ facility very useful for an ex, for example. That means they can’t even find me at all and as I have an extremely unusual name, that’s a great relief.
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What started as a quirky Fortune cover story on Generation Y in 2007 has turned into a full-time job covering the fastest growing segment of the American workforce for Nadira A. Hira. But it's on The Gig that she's been able to speak directly to the much discussed, much maligned, and she thinks, very much underestimated Yers themselves, reflecting with them on everything from finding meaningful work to hiding meaningful body art. Herself a Yer, Hira has always been interested in engaging her peers, from her time writing for MTV News' Choose or Lose 2004 campaign, to her work spreading the Gen Y story as a speaker and television personality, from CNN to VH1 and back again. A recipient of the NewsBios 30 Under 30 award, showcasing business journalists on the rise, the would-be poet, sometime bartender, and professional sports fan, calls downtown Manhattan and The Gig home.
With all respect to my Facebook buddies, but to all those who ‘request’ to be my friend because you like My Profile I say: let’s not get carried away here.
I usually don’t make friends because we once had the same boss, share a Hotmail contact or because, spare me, you “poke” me. P - e - lease.
If you want to be my friend, come and meet me in real life. Let’s have a chat. Err, down at the local pub I mean. Yours or mine. Or join me on next weekends’ bushwalk around the Inner West Bay!
What is so social about Facebook, or MySpace, or Bebo or Linkedin anyway? Social. Noun: a party of people assembled to promote sociability and communal activity. Adjective: 1. marked by friendly companionship with others; “a social cup of coffee”;2. living together or enjoying life in communities or organized groups; “human beings are social animals”; “spent a relaxed social evening”. (Source: World Reference. http://www.wordreference.com/definition/social)
The good news is that there’s a bit of a counter reaction happening. In Australia for example, where a relatively new site called Getalife.com.au is connecting people to meet for a realcup of coffee. Or for a game of soccer at Centennial Park, or a games night at Chris’ place. Or a poke at mine
Simply put, Getalife.com.au offers easy to use tools for people to connect based around sporting, cultural or recreational activities. The activity might be a one-off, like finding a couple of buddies for a kayaking trip up Brisbane River. Others get together regularly, like reading groups. If members can’t find what they’re looking for, they can create a group or activity of their own and invite others to join.
In Australia at least, it seems that Getalife has struck a chord in the hearts and minds of ordinary city slickers who are not seeking to build virtual friendships by ONLY spending time on a computer. Instead, they are people look for alternative, contemporary and independent ways to connect with people in real life, get involved in a wide range of activities, meet people and find friendships (or even love) on their own terms.”
In the age of pokes, cyber kisses, spam and the tons of sleaze and phony member profiles dumped on us, Getalife offers a refreshing alternative to get you personally invited by real members to real events. Not because you’re on an bulk mail list, or because you fit the profile of some sales campaign, but simply because the organiser of the event enjoys your company… in the flesh!